Have You Met Your Inner Badass?
I think I first met my inner badass when I was 17. I had been hopelessly in love with a guy who didn't love me back, for two years. I can't even say he didn't know that I existed. He knew all right. He loved my family, hung out at my house and even went camping with us. He just didn't consider me girlfriend material. Of course, I'd never told him how I felt either but I'm not sure it would have made any difference.
Anyway, when he was a freshman in college and I was I junior in high school, somehow, he managed to say we'd go to the homecoming dance together. Needless to say, I was over the moon. I bought a fabulous dress which was all frothy pink lace and satin. The afternoon before the dance, he called to tell me that he'd decided to go to the dance with his friends but he'd "see me there."
I was heartbroken. I was also furious. I decided to go anyway, all by myself. There's a certain confidence you feel when you've said "F----You" to a situation and you just don't care anymore. I looked amazing. He noticed. Although he didn't do anything about it, he absolutely noticed. It made such an impression on him, apparently, that this vision of me in pink was still kicking around in his brain more than thirty years later. He told me he remembered how I looked that night in a casual conversation just a few years ago. Ironically, that was the night that I decided I was done chasing somebody who didn't love me, the way I loved him. It was my first encounter with my inner badass.
I caught glimpses of her again throughout the years. I didn't see much of her when I was living with a guy whose bills I was paying. I probably could have called on her for help in that situation, if I'd understood that I'd actually needed that help. She did visit one day at work when I told an older male co-worker that he did not need to yell at me for things which I had no control of and did not appreciate being called "young lady." She showed up when I had to advocate for my kids. Here and there, I saw her but like Bigfoot, she was elusive.
After my sons were born, I spent over a decade trying to have another baby, trying to get pregnant, trying to stay pregnant, suffering five miscarriages and finally getting pregnant with my miracle baby only to lose her to severe congenital heart defects when she was four days old. I'm sure my inner badass was there in the hospital with me and in the days just after when I felt the power of my grief might just kill me too.
But my inner badass really stepped up after that. It was maybe a year and a half or two years after losing my daughter. I had stopped crying everyday. I was working to assimilate this as my new normal and had made some progress. But I began to battle anxiety. I was certain I would lose my job. I knew my husband was going to break up with me. I was convinced terrible things would happen to my children. These fears had no basis in reality as if often the case with anxiety. I think I thought "well, if I could lose my daughter, who knows what other horrible things could happen?"
I functioned but only by sheer force of will. Then, finally, I think my inner badass tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Look, you're going to have to start doing things that scare you or you're never going to leave the house again. And by the way, while you're at it, since everything is scary anyway, you may as well do some things that really scare you."
I decided that while I wouldn't want to hurt anyone I loved (or anyone at all, for that matter), if I could do things without hurting anyone, I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted. I was going to wear what I wanted or get purple hair. I became a yoga teacher even though I was plus-sized. I wrote and published a book. I'm starting a business My inner badass and I hang out now. I see her a lot and I'm glad.
My kids don't think I have a badass bone in my body. They think I'm a goody-two-shoes. But I think there's something extremely badass about doing what you want, chasing your dreams and not letting your inner critic shut you down. There's something about being afraid but not being ruled by that fear and doing things anyway.
Here's the thing about your inner badass...she (or he) doesn't have to smoke Camels and skate on a roller derby team. Maybe she writes poetry. Maybe she knits sweaters. The point is, it doesn't matter what your inner badass does as long as she (or he) does it with passion and joy. Think of your inner badass as your authentic self. This is the part of you that doesn't worry about what other people think.
If you've never met your inner badass, I encourage you to introduce yourself. If you've only seen her (or him) sporadically, try to get to know them. Hang out. Let them be in charge sometimes. Do what you love and be unapologetically, unabashedly yourself.
Anyway, when he was a freshman in college and I was I junior in high school, somehow, he managed to say we'd go to the homecoming dance together. Needless to say, I was over the moon. I bought a fabulous dress which was all frothy pink lace and satin. The afternoon before the dance, he called to tell me that he'd decided to go to the dance with his friends but he'd "see me there."
I was heartbroken. I was also furious. I decided to go anyway, all by myself. There's a certain confidence you feel when you've said "F----You" to a situation and you just don't care anymore. I looked amazing. He noticed. Although he didn't do anything about it, he absolutely noticed. It made such an impression on him, apparently, that this vision of me in pink was still kicking around in his brain more than thirty years later. He told me he remembered how I looked that night in a casual conversation just a few years ago. Ironically, that was the night that I decided I was done chasing somebody who didn't love me, the way I loved him. It was my first encounter with my inner badass.
I caught glimpses of her again throughout the years. I didn't see much of her when I was living with a guy whose bills I was paying. I probably could have called on her for help in that situation, if I'd understood that I'd actually needed that help. She did visit one day at work when I told an older male co-worker that he did not need to yell at me for things which I had no control of and did not appreciate being called "young lady." She showed up when I had to advocate for my kids. Here and there, I saw her but like Bigfoot, she was elusive.
After my sons were born, I spent over a decade trying to have another baby, trying to get pregnant, trying to stay pregnant, suffering five miscarriages and finally getting pregnant with my miracle baby only to lose her to severe congenital heart defects when she was four days old. I'm sure my inner badass was there in the hospital with me and in the days just after when I felt the power of my grief might just kill me too.
But my inner badass really stepped up after that. It was maybe a year and a half or two years after losing my daughter. I had stopped crying everyday. I was working to assimilate this as my new normal and had made some progress. But I began to battle anxiety. I was certain I would lose my job. I knew my husband was going to break up with me. I was convinced terrible things would happen to my children. These fears had no basis in reality as if often the case with anxiety. I think I thought "well, if I could lose my daughter, who knows what other horrible things could happen?"
I functioned but only by sheer force of will. Then, finally, I think my inner badass tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Look, you're going to have to start doing things that scare you or you're never going to leave the house again. And by the way, while you're at it, since everything is scary anyway, you may as well do some things that really scare you."
I decided that while I wouldn't want to hurt anyone I loved (or anyone at all, for that matter), if I could do things without hurting anyone, I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted. I was going to wear what I wanted or get purple hair. I became a yoga teacher even though I was plus-sized. I wrote and published a book. I'm starting a business My inner badass and I hang out now. I see her a lot and I'm glad.
My kids don't think I have a badass bone in my body. They think I'm a goody-two-shoes. But I think there's something extremely badass about doing what you want, chasing your dreams and not letting your inner critic shut you down. There's something about being afraid but not being ruled by that fear and doing things anyway.
Here's the thing about your inner badass...she (or he) doesn't have to smoke Camels and skate on a roller derby team. Maybe she writes poetry. Maybe she knits sweaters. The point is, it doesn't matter what your inner badass does as long as she (or he) does it with passion and joy. Think of your inner badass as your authentic self. This is the part of you that doesn't worry about what other people think.
If you've never met your inner badass, I encourage you to introduce yourself. If you've only seen her (or him) sporadically, try to get to know them. Hang out. Let them be in charge sometimes. Do what you love and be unapologetically, unabashedly yourself.
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