Buh Bye Myrna...Your Power Has Been Revoked
Headed off to my son's eighth grade graduation this morning, I was feeling pretty good. Despite some current uncertainty in my life, I was feeling optimistic. I'm going back to college in the fall. I'm taking some other training too and just found out that I'll be receiving a scholarship for some of it. So, I was pretty happy.
Then, I realized that my high school bully, Myrna (not her real name) was sitting in the same row of bleachers as me. Suddenly, I felt bad. All of the sudden, I wasn't smart or pretty and my accomplishments seemed pointless.
"She just looks like your average soccer mom," my husband commented, when I pointed her out.
And I guess she does, although I was still seeing the prom queen and years of merciless teasing.
"Why does she still have the ability to push my buttons like this?" I wondered, in my head.
The answer came to me immediately. It was clear and simple and almost seemed to be too good to be true. She had the ability to push my buttons because I let her. I gave her that power. Now, I'm officially revoking it.
I've seen Myrna several times over the years (since we have a kid who is the same age, although I'm not even sure which one her kid is). The first time I saw her, on the playground, back when our eighth graders were still preschoolers, I wanted to shake her and say, "You were really awful to me back in high school. Seriously, what was up with that?"
I wanted to say it to her again today. Understand, that I don't even know if she recognizes me. We haven't ever spoken to one another in our adult, mom, incarnations. I doubt she's even thought of me since high school graduation. But she was awful to me in high school. Somehow in my head, I'd come to equate her with everything that was soulless and wrong. For me, she was the epitome of everything that was bad about cliques and bullying. She was my mean girl.
I realized though, that despite any of her past actions, the only power she has over me is what I allow her to have. She could have come up to me this morning and said, "I see you're still a loser." and it wouldn't have made me a loser. She didn't say that, of course, but even if she had, there's a big difference between the right now me and high school me. On some level (or even many of them) high school me would have been inclined to believe her. She was the prom queen after all. If she said I was unattractive or unworthy, obviously she must know something about that right?
But right now me knows better. I have friends and family who adore me. I'm pursuing my dreams and everyday, I continue to work on building a life I love. It isn't always easy. I have drama and trauma and bumps along the way. But what Myrna thinks of me is not my problem. I might even venture to say, it's none of my business. For whatever reason, she had an issue with me in high school and chose to be mean about it. That's her issue though.
Like the monster under the bed, who is banished by the flashlight, I'm banishing her. My value as a person is not in her hands and never was. I mentally sent her love, light and positive energy. It was amusing. It was a relief. It was liberating.
Then, I realized that my high school bully, Myrna (not her real name) was sitting in the same row of bleachers as me. Suddenly, I felt bad. All of the sudden, I wasn't smart or pretty and my accomplishments seemed pointless.
"She just looks like your average soccer mom," my husband commented, when I pointed her out.
And I guess she does, although I was still seeing the prom queen and years of merciless teasing.
"Why does she still have the ability to push my buttons like this?" I wondered, in my head.
The answer came to me immediately. It was clear and simple and almost seemed to be too good to be true. She had the ability to push my buttons because I let her. I gave her that power. Now, I'm officially revoking it.
I've seen Myrna several times over the years (since we have a kid who is the same age, although I'm not even sure which one her kid is). The first time I saw her, on the playground, back when our eighth graders were still preschoolers, I wanted to shake her and say, "You were really awful to me back in high school. Seriously, what was up with that?"
I wanted to say it to her again today. Understand, that I don't even know if she recognizes me. We haven't ever spoken to one another in our adult, mom, incarnations. I doubt she's even thought of me since high school graduation. But she was awful to me in high school. Somehow in my head, I'd come to equate her with everything that was soulless and wrong. For me, she was the epitome of everything that was bad about cliques and bullying. She was my mean girl.
I realized though, that despite any of her past actions, the only power she has over me is what I allow her to have. She could have come up to me this morning and said, "I see you're still a loser." and it wouldn't have made me a loser. She didn't say that, of course, but even if she had, there's a big difference between the right now me and high school me. On some level (or even many of them) high school me would have been inclined to believe her. She was the prom queen after all. If she said I was unattractive or unworthy, obviously she must know something about that right?
But right now me knows better. I have friends and family who adore me. I'm pursuing my dreams and everyday, I continue to work on building a life I love. It isn't always easy. I have drama and trauma and bumps along the way. But what Myrna thinks of me is not my problem. I might even venture to say, it's none of my business. For whatever reason, she had an issue with me in high school and chose to be mean about it. That's her issue though.
Like the monster under the bed, who is banished by the flashlight, I'm banishing her. My value as a person is not in her hands and never was. I mentally sent her love, light and positive energy. It was amusing. It was a relief. It was liberating.
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