Mornings
I have a difficult time explaining how awful mornings are for me. It goes way beyond "I'm Not a Morning Person" or "Don't Talk To Me Before Coffee" or any other cutesy saying you could emblazon on a tee shirt.
It begins as soon as I realize I'm awake. Sometimes the alarm has been going off for a while. Sometimes I've already fondled the snooze bar a few times. (I have a torrid, passionate affair going on with my snooze bar.) I never wake up without the alarm unless it's because I have to pee or was allowed to sleep decadently late. (The former is a frequent occurrence, the latter a rarity.)
It doesn't matter how well I've slept (although that's rarer than I'd like, as well) or how long I've slept. Is there in way to go back to sleep? Is there any way to remain in bed? I will do it if I only have ten minutes. I will do it if I only have one minute. You could promise me I'd win the lottery, eat well, have mind-blowing sex, get a kitten, travel to warm, sandy beaches and read great books. Still, it would take a sheer act of will for me to get out of bed. I could be beginning the BEST DAY EVER and I am still filled with a persistent and pervasive dread.
It continues until I've been upright for about ten or fifteen minutes. This is usually enough time to trudge through getting dressed and doing things with hair and makeup so I don't look like the Medusa or the undead. (I generally shower at night because I cherish every extra second I can stay in bed.) I have a 45 minute to an hour commute, so needless to say, my co-workers have never seen this side of me. Morning is still not my best time but I am human again by the time I get to work.
At this point, you're probably thinking, "Well this is textbook. Trouble getting up in the morning...hmmm. Sounds like depression to me." Except I'm only really unhappy for the first tiny part of the day. Once I've been functional for a little bit, I'm fine. I'm happy, conversational and have reclaimed my sense of humor. The rest of my days are fine. Like everybody else, I have ups and downs. I have great, feeling blessed days and average, mundane days. I have days which stress me out and days where I'd like a do-over but it's only first thing in the morning, that I wish I were dead.
According to my internet research, this is actually a thing. (Surely, the internet wouldn't have misinformation about psychological conditions?) It's called morning depression or diurnal mood disorder. I'll confess I've not seen my primary care doctor on this. He's a nice man with a pleasant bedside manner but his default reaction is to throw pills at problems. I'm becoming less and less satisfied with this approach both from my physician specifically and from the medical community in general.
In the Harry Potter books (and movies) there are creatures called Dementors. They guard the wizard prison and if you get too close to them, you will feel like every happy thought you've ever had, has been sucked out of you. This is how I feel in the morning. Every single morning.
It begins as soon as I realize I'm awake. Sometimes the alarm has been going off for a while. Sometimes I've already fondled the snooze bar a few times. (I have a torrid, passionate affair going on with my snooze bar.) I never wake up without the alarm unless it's because I have to pee or was allowed to sleep decadently late. (The former is a frequent occurrence, the latter a rarity.)
It doesn't matter how well I've slept (although that's rarer than I'd like, as well) or how long I've slept. Is there in way to go back to sleep? Is there any way to remain in bed? I will do it if I only have ten minutes. I will do it if I only have one minute. You could promise me I'd win the lottery, eat well, have mind-blowing sex, get a kitten, travel to warm, sandy beaches and read great books. Still, it would take a sheer act of will for me to get out of bed. I could be beginning the BEST DAY EVER and I am still filled with a persistent and pervasive dread.
It continues until I've been upright for about ten or fifteen minutes. This is usually enough time to trudge through getting dressed and doing things with hair and makeup so I don't look like the Medusa or the undead. (I generally shower at night because I cherish every extra second I can stay in bed.) I have a 45 minute to an hour commute, so needless to say, my co-workers have never seen this side of me. Morning is still not my best time but I am human again by the time I get to work.
At this point, you're probably thinking, "Well this is textbook. Trouble getting up in the morning...hmmm. Sounds like depression to me." Except I'm only really unhappy for the first tiny part of the day. Once I've been functional for a little bit, I'm fine. I'm happy, conversational and have reclaimed my sense of humor. The rest of my days are fine. Like everybody else, I have ups and downs. I have great, feeling blessed days and average, mundane days. I have days which stress me out and days where I'd like a do-over but it's only first thing in the morning, that I wish I were dead.
According to my internet research, this is actually a thing. (Surely, the internet wouldn't have misinformation about psychological conditions?) It's called morning depression or diurnal mood disorder. I'll confess I've not seen my primary care doctor on this. He's a nice man with a pleasant bedside manner but his default reaction is to throw pills at problems. I'm becoming less and less satisfied with this approach both from my physician specifically and from the medical community in general.
In the Harry Potter books (and movies) there are creatures called Dementors. They guard the wizard prison and if you get too close to them, you will feel like every happy thought you've ever had, has been sucked out of you. This is how I feel in the morning. Every single morning.
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