The Iceman, the Enemy and Where the Heck Have I Been?

 

I looked at my blog the other day and realized it had been two months since I'd written anything.  If you read the blog regularly, dear reader, and I go MIA, feel free to call me out on my absences!

Two months ago, I made the decision to leave my job in childcare.  I had been unemployed since the pandemic hit my state in March.  I didn't do well in lockdown and I was sure that returning to the stable job I'd had for five years would be the antidote to my angst and anxiety.  But the more I thought about it, the more returning to work seemed like a bad idea.  My husband, myself and my mother (all in the same household) are all considered at high risk due to diabetes, asthma and age respectively.  More importantly, though, my husband is legally blind and has some other degenerative health issues.  He has a lot of doctor's appointments and I find myself doing more and more caregiving.  Returning to a full-time job where you're required to meet state-mandated ratios of teachers to children, seemed like a good way to drive myself and my employer crazy.  

I decided to walk away and cobble together a different way of making a living.  It wasn't impossible.  I teach yoga.  I'm a freelance reporter.  I landed a temporary freelance marketing gig.  I started an Etsy store and I'm about to finish my fourth novel.  

Then, disaster struck.  It was a mild disaster compared to tsunamis and child loss but it felt big in my mind.  I got into a car accident and the insurance company totaled my car.  My loan didn't qualify for gap insurance, so I still owe almost $4,000.  Now, this is not really a disaster, honestly.  I'm not driving to work every day.  My mom is more than happy to share her car with me.  No one was hurt in the accident, (although the other driver did stand on the other side of the road, screaming and swearing at me, which wasn't particularly a good time but whatever.)

But I got sucked into a several week loop of "I need a car/I can't get a car without a job/I need to get a full time job, working from home, so I can still attend to all the family obligations/but I can't get a car without a job/And I keep having interviews that don't seem to work out/and oh, by the way, you're a total loser because you don't have a car or a job."  It was ugly and it sucked all of my energy.  I spent A LOT of time applying for jobs I didn't get and looking at cars I couldn't afford.  The mean voice in my head, the one who says, "you are not enough", had a field day.

I finally said "enough."  I decided to give myself a break and spend a few weeks focusing on Etsy, which is really beginning to take off for me and working on finishing my novel.  The day after I decided this, I read something that really inspired me.  I've been reading about Wim Hof for about a year now.  Hof has pioneered a whole method of breathing exercises and cold water therapy which increases resilience and improves cardio vascular function.  His book (The Wim Hof Method:Activate Your Full Human Potential) is coming out soon and he was featured in a magazine I read.

Hof, has run marathons barefoot, on ice and regularly submerges himself in icy water, earning him the nickname of the Iceman.  He spoke about losing his wife to suicide and how that led him to try to find a way to heal his broken heart.  He says he found a stillness in the cold water.  Hof said, "I wanted to win over the cold.  Use the enemy to become better, not to beat the enemy but to become better myself."

I love this so much.  It's the mean ego voice in my head that says I'm a loser for not having a car or a job.  It's also ego that insists that I have to have either. This is not necessarily the reality.  So, I put that mean voice on notice.  Not only will you not win, I'm going to use you to become a better version of myself.  Bring it.  What have you got? I'm ready.  The mean voice in my head didn't have much to say about that.