Do Over?

    I hadn't owned a jean jacket since high school. I found one, this year, that was made from recycled water bottles and was also on the clearance rack. Bonus. Ever since I bought it, I've had this idea that I needed to recreate a certain photo. It's iconic. It's not moon landing iconic but it is personally iconic.

    More that one person has said that they like it. And I'll admit, I do look happy in it but I also think I was sporting some seriously weird hair. Like, really? What was I thinking?

    Sometimes I look at my personal evolution and marvel. I am both fundamentally unchanged and also completely different all at once. I'm not sure how that can be, but it is.

    I like milestones which show progress. How far have I come? I think that's part of the desire to recreate the photo. The me in the original definitely has the monopoly on younger and thinner. But now me is significantly more courageous, smarter and more comfortable in her own skin. 

    Then me was about to graduate from high school, had been accepted into the college of her choice and was ready to leap into her life. Know what? Now me is ready to leap into hers too. 18-year-old me had zero idea what would happen next. Now me honestly doesn't know either.

    Then me wore a locket given to me by a boyfriend. She wrote poetry. She would have told you she knew a lot about love. Now me wears my grandmother's locket. She still writes poetry but she'll admit that everything she thought she knew about love is by no means all there is to know about love. She's still learning.

    18-year-old me had never had a dog, written a book, lost a child, or worked full time. She  had never experienced chronic pain, yoga or motherhood. Now me has done all of these things yet she is still usually optimistic. A little jaded perhaps, sometimes, but never so much that it makes her deeply unhappy.

   The original photo was taken by a friend on a class trip to Washington, DC. I can't remember if it was the friend who lives far away and sends a Christmas card every year with just her name or the friend who lives close by but feels we have idealogical differences, so we don't talk very much these days. Doesn't matter. The recent photo was a selfie taken in my front hall. I'm definitely a lot more self reliant these days. 

    I don't want to belittle 18-year-old me. She was young. Inexperienced. Neither do I want to idealize her either, even if she was thinner. I don't want to judge now me. She's been through some crazy stuff and she's survived. Neither do I want to give her a pass though. She's still got work to do and things to learn. If I recreate the photo in 20 years, I can't even imagine what that version of me will look like, and never mind physically!

I just hope she still has those wacky globe earrings. Those things are cool!