Flying Solo

I did a super weird thing the other day. It probably won't seem weird to the rest of the world but it was most definitely outside of my realm of typical. I booked a solo vacation. It's just a couple of nights and a couple of hours away. It's not until next summer.   

But here's the thing...I've never been anywhere alone. (I'm pretty sure driving to Walmart for cat food does not count.) I've never lived alone. I've never even been alone in the house for more than half a day. After half a century of living, this feels like something I should have done by now. It feels like something I need to do.

I seem to have a love hate relationship with alone. I've been known to rail against princess culture and insist the I will rescue my own damn self and make no mistake, I will. Yet a small insecure part of me longs for if not rescue, then at least comfort and support. Even badasses need someone to take care of them sometimes. My brain know this, yet part of me feel stupid and weak for wanting it. I am at odds with myself sometimes.

I ponder what sort of things I might have traded for stability and contentment, if indeed that's the bargain I made. I ponder that as well. An important partnership is evolving more and more, into one-sided caregiving. There is no rescue coming on that front, at least. There is no one else. That is a path I will have to walk more and more alone.

I'm not sure if I am really uncomfortable being alone or that's just the answer my brain supplies because I have never done truly been alone. I'm scared to do it  therefore I don't do it. If I don't do it, it must be scary.  But I've been on a journey of crossing the scary stuff off my list. I'd like to reach a point where nothing intimidates me. Or if it does, then that is the thing I will jump in and do first.

I only know that this little trip has been lurking in the back of my mind for a year now. I understand that some questions are unanswerable yet I also know that this trip might be the beginning of answering at least some of them.  Yes, in theory, it's a vacation but it's a vacation I need to take, if only to prove to myself that I can. 

It's not a big deal really.  Except for me, it is.