Perpetual Motion
It seems entirely possible that I should not be allowed out unsupervised. Why is this you ask? Allow me to explain...
I teach for a group which offers community yoga and who gives their donations to local charities. I taught a class for them early this morning. Then, I came home and made breakfast. Willingly. Without complaint. I might be broken but breakfast is beside the point. Anyway, after that, my motivation seemed to go right out the window. I sat for about two hours not really doing much of anything. I read a little. I did a couple of loads of laundry but I really didn't accomplish much.
I've been feeling a little overwhelmed for the last few days. I know that I have too many balls in the air. I just don't know how to let some of it go. Why is it that I have no chill? How come I'm not happy unless I'm doing seventeen things at once and trying to save the world at the same time?
"Be bored," my friend Ann Marie suggested. "What would it look like," she asked, "If you just stopped scheduling things for a month or two?" I didn't answer. I was too busy trying to get air into my lungs because the thought of just stopping felt horrible.
"Oh my God," she said. "Look at you. You're having a panic attack just thinking about it." What can I say? This is a woman who has known me for a very long time and she was right. Earlier this week, another friend asked, "So how many other plates do you have spinning while you're chatting with me?"
So clearly, there's an issue here and apparently it's me! The people who love me best in the world think I'm kind of crazy and that I do way too much. But what do I say no to and why does saying it feel so awful? Like I'm missing out on something fabulous?
Anyway, all this was percolating through my brain today. Finally, I decided to head to the store to see if I could find a new floor lamp for the living room. Ours is leaning awkwardly and doesn't seem to want to be upright anymore. I feel. Sometimes I'm tired of being upright too. Go home, lamp. You're drunk.
So what the heck? I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything anyway. In addition to the lamp, I needed something I could take to work for lunch tomorrow. (And, I am so scattered and trying to do so many things at once, that as I typed that last sentence, I realized I'd had left something in the oven!)
At any rate, I schlepped off to the store. While I was there, I had an idea for a brand new organizing project and thought it might be great to take up embroidery again (something I have done sporadically for years but seriously? I'm going to actually sit still for ten minutes and embroidery? I kind of doubt it).
I go to the store with the knowledge that I really need to do less and I'm probably not accomplishing anything as a direct result of doing too much in the first place. I go to the store for lunch and a lamp and come back with two additional project ideas? Wait. What? What is wrong with me?!
Why is it that I taught a class, caught up on my laundry, installed the new lamp, cooked breakfast, made lunches for the week and visited my dad in the nursing home and it still didn't feel like I did anything today? Busy is fine but busy can also be an addiction or an avoidance behavior. I know this. And if I might mount a pitiful defense, I do work hard to stay present. I practice yoga. I meditate. Still, I seem to be failing at cultivating stillness and I need to figure out why.
I teach for a group which offers community yoga and who gives their donations to local charities. I taught a class for them early this morning. Then, I came home and made breakfast. Willingly. Without complaint. I might be broken but breakfast is beside the point. Anyway, after that, my motivation seemed to go right out the window. I sat for about two hours not really doing much of anything. I read a little. I did a couple of loads of laundry but I really didn't accomplish much.
I've been feeling a little overwhelmed for the last few days. I know that I have too many balls in the air. I just don't know how to let some of it go. Why is it that I have no chill? How come I'm not happy unless I'm doing seventeen things at once and trying to save the world at the same time?
"Be bored," my friend Ann Marie suggested. "What would it look like," she asked, "If you just stopped scheduling things for a month or two?" I didn't answer. I was too busy trying to get air into my lungs because the thought of just stopping felt horrible.
"Oh my God," she said. "Look at you. You're having a panic attack just thinking about it." What can I say? This is a woman who has known me for a very long time and she was right. Earlier this week, another friend asked, "So how many other plates do you have spinning while you're chatting with me?"
So clearly, there's an issue here and apparently it's me! The people who love me best in the world think I'm kind of crazy and that I do way too much. But what do I say no to and why does saying it feel so awful? Like I'm missing out on something fabulous?
Anyway, all this was percolating through my brain today. Finally, I decided to head to the store to see if I could find a new floor lamp for the living room. Ours is leaning awkwardly and doesn't seem to want to be upright anymore. I feel. Sometimes I'm tired of being upright too. Go home, lamp. You're drunk.
So what the heck? I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything anyway. In addition to the lamp, I needed something I could take to work for lunch tomorrow. (And, I am so scattered and trying to do so many things at once, that as I typed that last sentence, I realized I'd had left something in the oven!)
At any rate, I schlepped off to the store. While I was there, I had an idea for a brand new organizing project and thought it might be great to take up embroidery again (something I have done sporadically for years but seriously? I'm going to actually sit still for ten minutes and embroidery? I kind of doubt it).
I go to the store with the knowledge that I really need to do less and I'm probably not accomplishing anything as a direct result of doing too much in the first place. I go to the store for lunch and a lamp and come back with two additional project ideas? Wait. What? What is wrong with me?!
Why is it that I taught a class, caught up on my laundry, installed the new lamp, cooked breakfast, made lunches for the week and visited my dad in the nursing home and it still didn't feel like I did anything today? Busy is fine but busy can also be an addiction or an avoidance behavior. I know this. And if I might mount a pitiful defense, I do work hard to stay present. I practice yoga. I meditate. Still, I seem to be failing at cultivating stillness and I need to figure out why.
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