Helped My Dad Today
A few weeks ago, I told my mom that I'd help my dad get rid of some stuff if he wanted to. My dad has been trying to get rid of stuff for a long time now. He has been battling dementia for a few years now, so things aren't exactly getting easier.
His big issue is books. I think it's a remnant of a childhood that I'm not sure was all that happy. In a family where he didn't feel like he fit in, books were probably a good friend. Letting go of them is hard. (Although I had a very happy childhood and I adore my family and I hoard books too, so what do I know?)
If I had any lingering questions about where my own clutter and collecting issues come from, today would have dispelled an doubts. I come by my issues honestly, so you might think that I wouldn't be the right person to help my dad. But I get it. I understand that letting go of things can create anxiety for some people. I get that it's easy to become distracted in the middle of the process (ie: I totally forgot I had this! Let me just sit down and check it out.) So in some ways, perhaps I am the perfect person to help my dad.
Surprisingly, we had a good time. We were laughing and making jokes. He pulled out one book that was covered with dust and exclaimed, laughing, "What the hell is this?" I suggested we implement the "what-the-hell-is-this" rule. If you have to ask that question, then it's time to let it go. Despite the dementia, my dad can still be really funny. It surprised me how much fun we actually had and how his mood improved during the hour we spent cleaning.
We got two boxes done today. Two boxes of books he was willing to let go. They're sitting in my back seat, ready to be donated to the thrift store. Of course, they will probably ride around in my car for a few weeks (months?) before I get them there but that's beside the point.
As we worked it occurred to me that perhaps this is work he needs to do. The dementia has forced him to let go of a lot - day trips with my mom, sometimes knowing who people are, his words his ability to fix things: Those have been difficult losses to process. At this point he's in the stage of the disease where he knows that he's lost things. He grieves them. Someday, he won't even know what's he's lost and we will grieve but we aren't there yet.
But perhaps letting go in a way in which he has some control, can help him let go of the things over which he has no control. Perhaps, getting rid of these books he will never read (or re-read) will pave the way for letting go of bigger and more difficult things. Perhaps it's like anything you practice and you can get better at letting go. I hope so.
His big issue is books. I think it's a remnant of a childhood that I'm not sure was all that happy. In a family where he didn't feel like he fit in, books were probably a good friend. Letting go of them is hard. (Although I had a very happy childhood and I adore my family and I hoard books too, so what do I know?)
If I had any lingering questions about where my own clutter and collecting issues come from, today would have dispelled an doubts. I come by my issues honestly, so you might think that I wouldn't be the right person to help my dad. But I get it. I understand that letting go of things can create anxiety for some people. I get that it's easy to become distracted in the middle of the process (ie: I totally forgot I had this! Let me just sit down and check it out.) So in some ways, perhaps I am the perfect person to help my dad.
Surprisingly, we had a good time. We were laughing and making jokes. He pulled out one book that was covered with dust and exclaimed, laughing, "What the hell is this?" I suggested we implement the "what-the-hell-is-this" rule. If you have to ask that question, then it's time to let it go. Despite the dementia, my dad can still be really funny. It surprised me how much fun we actually had and how his mood improved during the hour we spent cleaning.
We got two boxes done today. Two boxes of books he was willing to let go. They're sitting in my back seat, ready to be donated to the thrift store. Of course, they will probably ride around in my car for a few weeks (months?) before I get them there but that's beside the point.
As we worked it occurred to me that perhaps this is work he needs to do. The dementia has forced him to let go of a lot - day trips with my mom, sometimes knowing who people are, his words his ability to fix things: Those have been difficult losses to process. At this point he's in the stage of the disease where he knows that he's lost things. He grieves them. Someday, he won't even know what's he's lost and we will grieve but we aren't there yet.
But perhaps letting go in a way in which he has some control, can help him let go of the things over which he has no control. Perhaps, getting rid of these books he will never read (or re-read) will pave the way for letting go of bigger and more difficult things. Perhaps it's like anything you practice and you can get better at letting go. I hope so.
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