To-Do List

 I'm a list maker from way back.  At one point, I even started saving old to do lists and I was going to put them all in a book.  It was interesting to me to look back and see what I considered important at various stages of my life.  I'm not sure it would have been interesting to other people though and it's one more project I started then subsequently put on hold (perhaps permanently).

Regardless, I know that some people do better with lists in their head.  I know that some people get totally overwhelmed and stressed when they look at all the things they have to do.  We all process information in different ways.  Knowing how you process information and how you function best is huge.  This knowledge is a gift if you have it. You do you and process information in any way you'd like.

For me, writing things down helps them stick in my distractible brain.  I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious this morning.  This happens a lot lately.  More than I'd like, frankly but I'm working on it. I promise.  I sat down and started to make my list of things I needed to do in the next few days and immediately felt calmer.  Calm is a great thing and I'm not complaining.  However, it wasn't completely clear to me if I felt calmer because if I wrote things down, I would remember to do them or if having a big list of things to do makes me feel like I'm productive.

I have a terrible habit of judging the quality of my days by how much I accomplish.  I would never judge anyone else in this way.  I don't ask other people how much they got done today.  I recently spent an evening playing cards with friends.  I said, "I really don't ever mind losing.  It doesn't bother me at all.  There's only one person I'm really competitive with."  In my head I silently added, "And that woman better get the hell out of my way."

The only person I'm really competitive with is myself.  As I wrote my to do list, I felt calmer and more centered the more items I added.  I'm not certain this is a good thing. I recently read that competent caregivers are at higher risk for burnout.  Because they feel competent, they take on more responsibilities. Perhaps more than they should.  It seems reasonable that this would be true for people in situations other than caregiving as well.  I have no scientific research to back up this theory, but it seems like it would generalize.  

But here's the thing...busy is not a badge of honor.  We don't have to keep running on the hamster wheel in order to have worth.  So, my to do list is valuable if it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed and it's a brain dump which keeps me organized.  It's more of a liability if I'm like the Cat in the Hat saying, "Look at me now" and precariously balancing the fish and the rake and the book and the cake etc. 

Sometimes it's important to pause and ask yourself why you do something.  Even if it's something you've done for a long time. Perhaps especially if it's something you've done for a long time.