Movies and Sadness

 I seem to spend a lot of time lately feeling anxious and angsty and antsy.  I lack focus and beat myself up for not being able to get my act together.  Last night, after dinner, I was in that mood.  The mood which says, "So now what?  No activity appeals to me even though there are both things I want and need to do.  Can I even pay attention to one thing for more than five minutes? Is 7:15pm really too early to give up on the day and go to bed?"

Without really giving it much thought, I started to stream a favorite rom com from the 90's.  And my poor, stupid, battered, romantic heart cried.  Ugly cried.  It wasn't anything in particular about this movie.  It didn't remind me specifically of Jeff and I, but it made me think about love and loneliness and of course, what we are losing.  Jeff and I saw this particular movie together, a year after we got married.

Movies have long been woven into Jeff and my relationship DNA.  We saw a lot of movies over the years.  In theaters.  In our living room. With friends and our kids and by ourselves.  I haven't watched a lot of them lately though.  He had trouble following them in the past couple of years.  I didn't want to watch alone. I was frustrated by explaining and re-explaining.  It just seemed too hard for a whole variety of reasons.  But last night, I watched this entire movie.  I cried through most of it.

Then something weird happened.  I woke up sad this morning, yes, but I was at peace with that sadness.  It felt okay to be there.  I didn't feel like I should be doing better, and I wasn't terrified that I'd be sad forever.  It sounds weird but sometimes sadness feels like a luxury I can't afford.  I have to function, darn it.  There are jobs to show up for, dinner to cook, bills to pay and people who need me.  Ain't nobody got time for sadness.

But what if always trying to push through, is in fact, impairing my ability to cope?  What we resist persists.  Instead of focusing my energy on berating myself for not doing better, perhaps, at least every so often, I should just allow myself to be sad.  There are certainly practical considerations.  I'm still advocating for him.  I still have to deal with the nursing home and hospice.  There are still daily visits and conversations which make no sense.  I think I think I won't be able to accomplish these things if I am too sad.  So, I tend to ignore the sadness and just carry on.  

We can't really watch movies together anymore (or converse or travel or do any number of things I expected we would do in our middle age).  There are things to grieve for.  Still, I get impatient with grief.  I feel that sadness sidelines me and prevents me from doing the things I want or need to do.  Perhaps I need to re-frame this.  Grief is one of the things I need to accomplish.  It's as much a part of this process as getting power of attorney or checking in with the hospice nurses.  Add it to the to do list because it needs attention just like everything else.  The only way out is through, and sadness will ambush me on that path.  When my sadness bubbles up, I should sit with that for a bit instead of trying to work around it.  And I should probably re-watch a lot of my favorite rom coms.