Resilience is in Not Comparing

 

I've been thinking a lot about this picture and resilience.  This is my husband Jeff and I.  The sun is shining.  The sky is blue. We have been married for 28 years. We could be on a fabulous summer vacation.  Hold that thought for a moment.

I think a big piece of resilience is not comparing ourselves to others.  Comparing yourself to other people will sneak in and steal your joy.  We live in a world where we can share images in a second and we like to share them.  I'm not necessarily knocking social media.  I am a consumer of social media.  But when you see other people's posts have you ever thought things like "They're so lucky to be on vacation when I'm broke" or "She must have a fabulous marriage, but my relationships feel strained" or "Look at his family.  They're perfect but my kids are struggling"?

We tend to believe that everyone has their act together except us.  The truth is that nobody has it together all of the time.  We choose words and pictures that present us in the best possible light both literally and figuratively. But just because we have a new haircut or a lovely wedding or a fancy house does not mean that we don't sometimes cry in our cars or eat frosting out of the can.  Then, when someone asks how we are, we say fine, and everybody thinks everyone else is doing better not only than they probably are but also better than we are.

Enjoy the Journey is a popular tee shirt slogan.  It's a nice thought but I think I'd rather see "Respect Your Journey".  Your journey isn't going to be like anyone else's.  You can (and you should) find your tribe and connect with people who love and support you.  They might be having similar experiences, but they will never be having your experience.  Your journey, whatever that entails, is going to be uniquely yours.  A huge part of being resilient is going to be accepting that.

Now, I want to go back to this picture.  Not because I want sympathy or attention but because it is the perfect example of things not necessarily being as they appear on the surface.  In my picture, the sun is shining.  The sky is blue.  We have been married for 28 years.  But the picture was not taken on any dream vacation or trip of a lifetime.  It was taken on the locked patio of a memory care facility where my husband now lives.  He has a terrible disease which most people have never heard of before and it's fatal.  I can't take care of him at home anymore.  None of this is a big scary secret but there are still people who will see the picture and be shocked.  There are still people who will read these words and be horrified.

You can't possibly compare yourself to others because, very often you do not know the whole story.  Pictures can be misleading.  Social media can be toxic.  If your journey is tough right now, talking about it and finding support can help.  If you're watching someone else's journey from the outside, please remember that you never know the whole story.  Practice compassion not comparison.  Don't beat yourself up for not having more or doing more.  Don't let someone else's external circumstances make you feel like less.  Resilience lies in embracing our unique situations not trying to compare ourselves to others.