You Can't Hoard Wisdom

 The other day, I was sitting on my bed, pen and notebook in hand and surrounded by piles of books.  Some were open upside down.  Others were closed.  Some were under my dog, who seemed to resent my taking up space on what she feels is her bed.  I've always been an avid reader, but lately, I want to read all the books at once.  While I love fiction too, lately I've been enamored with books on spirituality, religion, philosophy and even life hacks.

For a few days now, I've been asking myself why it is that I feel like I need to hoard wisdom.  To consume it like oxygen.  I consider myself a lifelong learner, but lately, I'm obsessed with learning.  

I recently told a friend (who actually reads my blog and occasionally looks for themselves there)  that I feel like part of my journey is to learn to trust myself implicitly right now.  

This morning, meandering around Walmart at 6am, I put the pieces together.  I'm trying to fortify myself with wisdom.  My brain thinks knowledge just might be insurance against screwing up the whole rest of my life.  Over the past few years, I've come to realize just how much small choices sometimes matter in the biggest way.  Unfortunately, life is often like a tapestry seen only from the back.  The individual stitches (or choices as it were) don't make any sense until you can see the front or the big picture.  

I don't know what I'm doing, a tiny panicky voice insists.  I'm making it all up as I go and I'm not even any good at it! If I can just garner enough wisdom, I can create a plan for any eventuality.  I can be smart enough not to descend into disaster.  I can survive. Rise like a phoenix and make sure that everything sorts itself out for the best possible good.  Except this isn't strictly true.  Yes, I can do my best with the information and resources I have at any given time.  But I cannot fix circumstances, other people or the world.  These things are above my pay grade.

I can consume all of the wisdom I want but the truth is I already have everything I need in my toolbox.  I need to breathe. Tune in. Trust myself.  My highest self knows what to do.  It's only my ego that's thinking,  "OMG! OMG! OMG!" and freaking out.  Wisdom is fine.  Learning is good.  But no amount of philosophy will prevent illness.  No amount of spirituality will keep you from falling in or out of love.  No amount of life hacks will prevent you from making poor choices sometimes.

And it's all okay.  Wisdom. Disaster. Unknowing. Assuredness.  I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with and it will all be okay. Or not. And that's okay.  I will keep reminding myself to trust myself.  And dear readers, I'm receptive to having you remind me too.