Full Disclosure-I'm Really Bad at This

When my oldest son was beginning to drive, I thought I'd have no problem teaching him. After all, I'd managed a lot with him (and his brother). We'd managed ear infections and homework and karate lessons and haircuts and all sorts of things for years and years. And I had worked during that time too. Plus, I consider myself a patient person. I absolutely had a handle on teaching him to drive. Or so I believed. 

Turns out, not so much. Let the record show that I was terrible at teaching my son to drive. I was nervous and anxious and made him nervous and anxious. We went out only a handful of times before I had to admit defeat. My husband was a good driving instructor as was my sister in law and my mom.   

It bothered me on two levels. I had disappointed my son by not being able to do it. But I'd totally shattered a belief I'd held about myself and that was somehow even more disappointing. 

And this is where I am right now. I'm an early childhood educator and my workplace is closed until at least May 4. I've been stuck at home for just over two weeks. I'm losing my mind and beating myself up for not doing better and beating myself up for not having more patience with myself. So basically beating myself up for beating myself up. Go figure. 

In my head, during the first few days I was home, I said, "Okay, I'm home. I love to learn and here's some time to learn some new stuff. I never seem to have enough time to read, so know here's some time to do that. I'll meditate. I'll practice yoga. I'll offer positivity and support to family and friends, even if it's virtually. I'll use my time to be productive. "

Turns out, not so much. I'm spending too much time on social media. I'm picking up on the collective anxiety. I'm not connecting as well as I'd like with family, friends and coworkers. I'm antsy and not very zen at all. I miss work. I'm very social and I miss my friends. I'm afraid I won't be a better person once all this is over. 

I'm staying home and social distancing like I'm supposed to. I have a lot of things I can do. There are literally hundreds of books on my Kindle. I have books to write and blank canvases to paint on and home improvement projects to tackle. Yet some days, I can't focus on anything. Short attention span theater anyone? 

I see myself as creative, determined and resilient as hell. But I am struggling at the moment. All I can see right now is a mess. I think maybe the only way to survive is to embrace that messy, unfocused me. Stop fighting against her for a little while. Lean in. Allow myself to be a work in process. Be kind to myself. Be a little bit lost and out of control. 

My son is a good driver. That's the end result that really matters. It's irrelevant whether I was the one who taught him or not. And it's only by failing and challenging my assumptions about myself that I can grow.