Too Much Chaos and I've Become the Genie
In the mother of all ironies, I've had so much chaos in my life that I haven't had time to post in Chaos. But the dust has begun to settle both literally and figuratively and it's time to write about some stuff. Because there is a lot of stuff to process and digest here. It's always my hope that as I publicly do that (process and digest) perhaps something I write resonates with you dear readers. Perhaps something I say gives you some insight about your own stuff or makes you feel less alone in some way. That's the hope anyway.
But back to chaos. My husband has diabetic retinopathy which has left him, at least temporarily, legally blind. Whether it will persist or not, only time will tell. In the meantime though, we decided to sell our house and move in with family for the time being. We've been close to the edge for a really long time and frankly, I don't want to make those "do we buy groceries or pay the water bill?" decisions anymore. I'm over it. It's actually kind of amazing that we hung in there as long as we did.
We lived in that house for almost 20 years. The amount of stuff that we managed to accumulate in that time is horrifying to me. Almost equally horrifying is the fact that somewhere along the line, I just stopped seeing all of that stuff. We didn't move to an apartment or a new house. We're staying at a house which already had stuff. Consequently, 90% of what we owned had to be stored, donated or tossed. We're talking multiple dumpsters and a lot of money paid to a house clean out company. Too much.
A friend sent me a funny cat video with the tagline "look, here's someone more miserable than you." Another friend, while telling me about his car and job issues commented that we'd both had rough years. And yet...despite getting rid of a massive amount of stuff, despite letting go of an entire house, none of this feels bad.
The logistic of the move have been bumpy in places. A few harsh words have been exchanged when we were hungry and exhausted and in the middle of it all. But all in all, I don't feel miserable. I don't feel like my year has been bad. I feel lighter. I feel liberated. I'm eating better. I'm sleeping a little better. This absolutely feels like an opportunity to hit the reset button and start over. I can tell you that I never, ever want to own that much stuff again.
In the middle of the clean out, I found a snow cone maker. "Did you know we had a snow cone maker?" I asked my family. No one did, including me and it had to be me who bought it, although I have no recollection whatsoever of its purchase. So there's the thing. What's the point in owning so much stuff that you don't even know what you have or knowing that you have it but have no prayer of finding it?
I went from a big, rambling Victorian house with an attic and a basement and a garage to having pretty much everything I own be in the bedroom I share with my husband. (Read, his stuff is there too.) In fact, I got rid of a massive amount of stuff and I STILL have too much. And I'm still looking at things I packed just a short time ago and wondering what the hell I was thinking. It's all good though. It's a work in process, as is everything in life.
The genie in Aladdin famously said that he had "phenomenal cosmic power in an itty bitty living space". I feel this. I feel better than I have in a long time. We're about to embark on summer and it feels rife with possibilities. Someone once told me she wasn't even sure if the universe could handle what I could do, it I wasn't always in crisis mode. And now I'm not in crisis mode. Sure, there are still bills to pay. My car is older than my co-teacher at work. Crappy stuff will still sometimes happen. Aladdin's genie meant his statement as sort of a lament but I'm going to adopt it as more of a mantra. Who knows what I might accomplish without the weight (again both literal and figurative) of all that stuff?
But back to chaos. My husband has diabetic retinopathy which has left him, at least temporarily, legally blind. Whether it will persist or not, only time will tell. In the meantime though, we decided to sell our house and move in with family for the time being. We've been close to the edge for a really long time and frankly, I don't want to make those "do we buy groceries or pay the water bill?" decisions anymore. I'm over it. It's actually kind of amazing that we hung in there as long as we did.
We lived in that house for almost 20 years. The amount of stuff that we managed to accumulate in that time is horrifying to me. Almost equally horrifying is the fact that somewhere along the line, I just stopped seeing all of that stuff. We didn't move to an apartment or a new house. We're staying at a house which already had stuff. Consequently, 90% of what we owned had to be stored, donated or tossed. We're talking multiple dumpsters and a lot of money paid to a house clean out company. Too much.
A friend sent me a funny cat video with the tagline "look, here's someone more miserable than you." Another friend, while telling me about his car and job issues commented that we'd both had rough years. And yet...despite getting rid of a massive amount of stuff, despite letting go of an entire house, none of this feels bad.
The logistic of the move have been bumpy in places. A few harsh words have been exchanged when we were hungry and exhausted and in the middle of it all. But all in all, I don't feel miserable. I don't feel like my year has been bad. I feel lighter. I feel liberated. I'm eating better. I'm sleeping a little better. This absolutely feels like an opportunity to hit the reset button and start over. I can tell you that I never, ever want to own that much stuff again.
In the middle of the clean out, I found a snow cone maker. "Did you know we had a snow cone maker?" I asked my family. No one did, including me and it had to be me who bought it, although I have no recollection whatsoever of its purchase. So there's the thing. What's the point in owning so much stuff that you don't even know what you have or knowing that you have it but have no prayer of finding it?
I went from a big, rambling Victorian house with an attic and a basement and a garage to having pretty much everything I own be in the bedroom I share with my husband. (Read, his stuff is there too.) In fact, I got rid of a massive amount of stuff and I STILL have too much. And I'm still looking at things I packed just a short time ago and wondering what the hell I was thinking. It's all good though. It's a work in process, as is everything in life.
The genie in Aladdin famously said that he had "phenomenal cosmic power in an itty bitty living space". I feel this. I feel better than I have in a long time. We're about to embark on summer and it feels rife with possibilities. Someone once told me she wasn't even sure if the universe could handle what I could do, it I wasn't always in crisis mode. And now I'm not in crisis mode. Sure, there are still bills to pay. My car is older than my co-teacher at work. Crappy stuff will still sometimes happen. Aladdin's genie meant his statement as sort of a lament but I'm going to adopt it as more of a mantra. Who knows what I might accomplish without the weight (again both literal and figurative) of all that stuff?
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